Monday, 23 August 2010

Alexandra wonders why the TV keeps telling her to lose weight.

On two occassions every year the telybox kindly reminds us that we are fat, grotesque creatures, and need to lose weight. A lot of weight. Quickly
The first barrage of dieting propaganda takes place after Christmas. This is when we are expected to have stuffed ourselves so full of turkey, followed by a mince pie binge so obscene that we have gained five to ten stone, thus are in desperate need of a crash diet to regain our former svelte physique. This comes shortly after an onslaught of advertisements instructing us that we need to eat more food, because it is Christmas, and no one is to have any weight concerns over Christmas. It is not a time of moderation. Jesus apparently loved mulled wine, chocolate log and a good fruit cake, on fire, after dinner. 


(Google Images)
I think Jesus liked turkey.

The second bombardment starts in early may. It ordinarily coincides with the commencement of hayfever, a terrible affliction whereby pollen completely clogs up our eyes, leaving us blind and vulnerable, whilst simulataneously instructing the contents of our noses to run away as our brain presumably swells to twice its normal size in order to generate the great pain caused by a hayfever headache. This alone begins to ruin any hope of fun in the sun. We feel insecure immediately during this time due to the effects various hayfever symptoms are having on our face, combined with the burnt complexion which we will undoubtedly be sporting as soon as the sun comes out. Telybox knows this, and exploits it in an unkind manner. He says to us, not only are you ridden with hayfever, not only is your pasty British skin red and sore.. but you are also disgustingly fat. I know I told you this after Christmas, but since then you stuffed your little chops full of easter eggs didn’t you, and I have not forgotten about this, oh no. Therefore another cruel campaign begins, focussed on destroying all naive confidence we may have had, instructing us that we now absolutely must lose weight because soon we might be strutting around in swimwear and waddling around half naked in our current state would put us in grave danger of causing offence to other members of the public. 
(Google Images)
A feast in a can.
The advertisement which grates on me in particular is that of the inexplicably popular, miraculously idiotic phenomenon that is the slim-fast diet. This advert tells me that by replacing two of my meals with a milkshake, and then eating vegetables and some sort of steamed fish for the third meal... I will lose weight. This makes me want to punch myself in the face. Obviously I would lose weight if I did this. I would probably also lose weight if I ate two meals instead of three, or did some exercise, or cut off my arm. I am amazed that people exist, and not just some people, a lot of people, who think this is a novel idea and line Mr Slim-Fast’s pockets (I presume this is the inventor’s name) with their money whilst they embark on this bizarre regime. But that's not all that annoys me about these milkshakes. I believe that if you are successful in convincing people that drinking two of these shakes per day is a good idea you must have some sort of duty of care to them, due to the fact that their IQ’s are clearly dangerously low. A slim fast shake has about the same nutritional value as a cardboard box. Actually I think one might gain more vitamins from eating the  aluminum can which encases this sordid snack. I therefore find the marketing of this milky treat as a healthy alternative to real food somewhat worrying. The ingredients of a “delicious slim fast meal” are as follows: Skimmed Milk Powder Sugar, Maltodextrin,  Vegetable Oil, Lactose, Inulin, Thickeners (Gum Arabic, Xantham Gum, Guar Gum), Lactose, Bulking Agent (Cellulose), Milk Proteins, Stabilisers (Sodium Carbroxy Menthyl Cellulose, Dipotassium Phosphate), Strawberry Powder (0.7%) Emulsifier (Soya Lecithin), Vitamins and Minerals*, Modified Maize Starch, Flavourings, Antioxidants (Tocopherol-rich Extract, Sodium Ascorbate). *Vitamins and Minerals: Vitamin C, Magnesium Oxide, Vitamin E, Ferrous Sulphate, Niacin, Zinc Oxide, Copper Gluconate, Pantothenic Acid, Vitamin B6, Vitamin A, Manganese Sulphate, Thiamin, Riboflavin, Folic Acid, Biotin, Potassium Iodine, Sodium Selenite, Vitamin D. Well doesn’t that sounds delicious and nutritious. 

(Google Images)
I DON'T WANT A SLIMMER WAIST FOR SUMMER.
The Special K diet also gets my blood pressure rising. In this one a bossy lady in a red swimsuit demands that you “love your holiday shape in two weeks”. Whats wrong with my holiday shape as it is? I must admit this one is slightly less stupid than the crackhead Slim-Fast milkshake regime but it works under the same ludicrous premise as slim fast, in that it encourages chubby folk to eat cereal instead of dinner. Thus, they will miraculously lose weight. Presumably this works best if you would have had a donner kebab and chips for dinner, and are now eating special K instead. Why is it that people do not think to themselves, if eating cereal for dinner causes me to lose weight this is probably due to the fact that I am eating fewer calories than I would ordinarily have been eating. Therefore I could probably just eat a more healthy meal which didn’t originate in a factory allowing me some variety in my diet plan as well as vitamins and such like, meaning I will be less likely to get scurvy but also more likely to lose weight. Goodness, what a thought. 
From Alexandra 

10 comments:

  1. Omg this properly made me laugh out loud! Brilliant!

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  2. Hehe thank you.. another day another angry rant..! x

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  3. echoing kim. brilliant. too much lol.

    http://ficklecattle.blogspot.com/

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  4. completely agree with your suppositions - there should be some way to protect these fat nobrains from this cruel marketing trick - ah bless - they do not understand the link between food excess and weight gain - obviously they need help with day to day stuff like say walking about and chewing gum at the same time - and what to eat to lose weight - no chance they will work that one out unaided.

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  5. i am with you on this! i long ago stopped buying those "weight-loss" products. i find that eating a well-balanced meal really is the best way to stay healthy and fit. :D

    btw, thanks for visiting and following my blog! :)

    <3, Mimi
    http://whatmimiwrites.blogspot.com/

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  6. You are awesome - you put exactly what goes through my head on an annual basis into one blog post!
    Thanks for following my blog :-)

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  7. Thanks for the comment!
    I love your blog, it is so unusual and funny!!! it is something actually refreshing to read!!!

    Best wishes!!!

    http://simplementeyo123.blogspot.com/

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  8. If you get a chance, please check out my blog. I have a 'dare to wear challenge' going on where I dare my subscribers to recreate a look posted on my blog. I also have monthly giveaways and will be posting my September giveaway in a couple of weeks. Finally, I will be having a giveaway for an Urban Decay Naked Palette when I hit 300 subscribers.

    Thanks
    Alicia

    http://funnyfacebeauty.blogspot.com

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