Alexandra Mourns the Passing of Big Brother.

Pathetic as it is the time has come for me to admit that I have been one of the three people avidly watching the exploits of the latest bunch of actual misfits and pretend misfits inhabiting Big Brother’s homestead. I have no job, no means of entertainment until September, and this programme is mildly more entertaining than looking out of the window  at a field for an hour a day. This is a valid excuse.

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Last night saw the tragic passing of my beloved daily hour of tely viewing. It was an anti-climax, as to be expected given that the final five were boring (JJ), weird (Andrew), creepy (Dave), creepier (Mario) and a normal person (Josie) who obviously won, with 77% of the vote, due to the fact that her fellow contestants were weird, creepy and creepier. I knew she would win because William Hill said to me if you give me £1000 to bet on Josie I will give you £50 if she wins. That means she is going to win. I know about betting now. 

In order to make the show more interesting the producers, for some reason, decided to include many a montage avec lashings of cheese. The kind of cheese that smells a little bit like feet. Possibly Stilton. It was very cheesy. So nauseatingly cheesy I felt I should’ve been warned to fetch a bucket before the show began. They used songs such as that one that Glee wrecked, “Don’t Stop Believing” with the creepy, weird, boring housemates giving speeches about how much they had learnt about themselves whilst in the Big Brother House in the background. I left the room at this point to have a cup of tea. 

Whenever someone is evicted from the house Davina stares intensely into their eyes and says this sentence.. “what did you learn about yourself from the Big Brother experience?” What? You mean what did they learn whilst sat in a house not going out, or doing anything, except dressing up in a shit costume and doing a shit task in the hope of winning some money to spend on biscuits? Nothing. That’s what they learnt. Nothing can be learnt this way. This is almost as irritating as when a person goes to Thailand (or other touristy backpacking gap yah destination) in order to find themselves. You are more likely to find yourself in a bowl of soup. 

After this bit the housemates had one of those parties that they do so often in Big Brother, you know the ones that make you cringe, where they dance around with all the lights on, slightly tipsy but acting completely smashed, and get excited to the point of combustion when any song plays. It was even weirder/creepier/more boring given the party guests. Sigh. 

Then came the time to remove the misfits from the freak show and chuck them back in the real world so that they might go on to do great things, like Nuts magazine, and then disappear into obscurity once more, never to be heard of again. Please dear god don’t let ‘the glory’ ever be heard of again. 

First out was Andrew, the caricature of an Oxford maths geek, complete with ginger hair, pasty skin and glasses. I am glad not many people voted for him because he microwaved a piece of fruit, then had sexual intercourse with it, then went on national TV and told people that he had done this. He also informed the public that he had violated various other desserts, notably an apple pie. That is not the talk of a winner. JJ was next to be evicted, he was boring and apparently a boxer but he did not hit anyone so this point makes him sadly no more interesting. Oh there was some kind of private joke between him and Aston, the short one from JLS, which was so lol. Mario ventured out next wearing something I can only assume he had recently nicked off the Tweenies. It had a lot of butterflies stuck to it. Big ones, sticking out at all angles. Looked bizarre it did. He seemed devastated that he had not won. Arrogant pervert. After this someone finally evicted Dave the monk. This is a man who actually claimed he was ‘drunk on God’s love’ throughout the series, before rolling around cackling in a mock inebriated fashion in the garden. Who was voting for him?

Josie then won, got reunited with John James.. had a little kiss and went back into the house within twenty minutes to begin ULTIMATE BIG BROTHER. John James was unfortunately still wearing eye liner because he thinks he looks like David Beckham. No comment. 

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The winner - She was less weird than the rest.. but still fairly weird.

Ultimate Big Brother is what the producers of Big Brother appear to have decided would be more entertaining than normal Big Brother. This is their a last-ditch attempt to make the programme popular with viewers. It reeks of desperation. Josie is now back in the house, all excitable and screechy, with ten apparently famous housemates of Big Brother’s gone by. They aren’t famous though, as you may have expected. In a similar theme of the Celebrity Big Brother which has in actual fact never contained a real celebrity, these ‘ultimate housemates’ are mainly soulless rejects of past series whose five minutes of fame have run out and are therefore gagging to get back into the house to promote some kind of crap album/TV presenting career/showing off boobs type job.

The ULTIMATE housemates are as follows: 1. Chantelle - All I remember about her is that she was married to that Ordinary Boys twerp, Preston, who stomped off in a sequin encrusted waistcoat in the middle of Never Mind The Buzzcocks when Simon Amstell began reading extracts from Chantelles disgusting autobiography. This was a magical moment. I’m with Amstell. Who let her write her autobiography? She is not a person of interest. Can she even hold a pen? Preston, incidentally, was housemate number two which was good because they are now divorced which made for an exceptionally awkward meeting on live television with Josie standing there looking confused but still excited. Then there was 3. Nadia, that scary transvestite one. 4. Brian, token over the top gay man which must appear in every series (presumably Mario’s replacement) 5. Ulrika Johnson..? Has she even been in Big Brother? 6. Makosi, who actually said that women dislike her because of her “unattainable body.” It is attainable Makosi, they are called breast implants and I’m pretty sure they’re attainable by anyone with more money than brain cells. Idiot. She also did pretend sex when she was in Big Brother for some reason. Idiot. 7. John McCrick was in next because everyone hates him and he seems to get off on this. 8. Coolio, did a little rap before entering, which I probably could have done better myself, and I am not an established rapper. Also I am white. 9. Nikki Graeme, that noisy twiglet from a few years ago. 10. Nick Bateman, he is from the first ever Big Brother, tres vintage. He got thrown out and called ‘Nasty Nick’ for cheating which is naughty. I have already chosen him as my favourite, however, because he was not selected for being a complete nutcase, he featured in Big Brother at the start. This is when the programme was a psychological experiment rather than the parade of deperate wannabes it has become in recent years. Thus Nick is probably an alright chap...

Big Brother then gave the ULTIMATE housemates champagne and they all stood around having a chitchat, probably name-dropping their faces off, in a scene which can only be described as an awkward looking cocktail party at the intergalactic cafe. I wonder what scandalous drama awaits. (If any).


From Alexandra