Thursday, 12 August 2010

Alexandra Contemplates the Phenomenon that is The Jeremy Kyle Show.

Being a student and daughter of a Jeremy Kyle Show addict (she’s in denial but its on series link on the sky planner for an unknown reason) I have nursed many a hangover to the sound of the ranting and raving of Mr Kyle and his band of unfriendly guests.

(Google Images)

My thoughts when presented with this show follow a similar pattern every time. I begin with mild disgust that Kyle is still allowed an hour slot on ITV, every single day of the week. The show is also repeated on ITV2 often. I don’t see why it needs to be on so much. I start to wonder why something better isn’t on. Jeremy must have a large fanbase. This is a worrying prospect. 
My anxiety then fades as I become entranced by the bizarre events the scary people are shouting about. I start to offer my own advice, several times as they never seem to listen. Often there will be advert breaks where I wonder why I have started to care who the father is. Unfortunately the show begins again in no time (after a brief interlude where strangers encourage you to send them all your gold) and I am once again shamefully fascinated by the extraordinary accents these people are screeching in. I feel angry that such people exist and start to get annoyed that I, the taxpayer, am paying for Charmaine to have twelve children while her tracksuit clad buttocks remain on a (probably not very clean) sofa drinking questionable cider and being angry with her family. They are always angry with their families. They are also always unemployed. This is usually why they can’t afford to visit their children and Jeremy gets annoyed, after a brief period of being shocked, when they say this. I start to wonder why he is so often surprised seen as this happens most of the time on his show. I get suspicious of his fury and wonder if he is pretending. This makes me feel cheated. Then I remember that I have started to enter the mindset of a Daily Mail reader and tell myself off for this. I stop watching and start my day safe in the knowledge that my intellect and morality are far superior to that of the people I have just witnessed on the telybox.  
Jeremy is an unsavoury character. His use of catchphrases and shouting when he thinks he has made a good point irritate me. He is forever suggesting that people “put something on the end of it.” He is also always annoyed that they don’t have a job. He wants them all to get jobs and live happily ever after. This is not what he should be going for because if he runs out of morons and freaks of the unemployed persuasion he will have trouble producing his atrocity of a talk show.

After a brief shouting match Mr Kyle will always go soft and start telling us about how he is to save todays unfortunate soul from destruction with the use of the 'after care team'. Who are these people? I’m not sure they are real. There is only one actual real other person and he is called Graham. Graham comes out at the end sometimes so we know he exists. He is nice and tells drug addicts and alcoholics that he, Graham, will clean them up. We are led to believe that Graham is a miracle worker. I’m not sure this is true. 
(Google Images)
Who/what is marrying this man?
My primary concern during this peculiar hour of ‘entertainment’ is why these lying, orthodontically challenged people want to be on Jeremy Kyle. They come, sit and tell an audience of strangers that they are convinced that their husband is being unfaithful. Who in their right mind sits at home thinking London (actual name of a Kyle guest last week) is absolutely definitely cheating on me with Wayne/Dwayne/Perry from round the corner.. what I will do, therefore, is phone a television programme in order to obtain the truth on live television, thus achieving maximum humiliation and a permenent record of my sorry excuse for a relationship? And why, if this is the way you would like to finalise the end of your marriage, would you not wash your hair prior to your ITV debut?

I do not think that British society should acknowledge the existence of the Kyle guest people by dedicating an hour of daytime television, every single day, to their madcap problems, ponderings and arguments. I therefore suggest that Mr Kyle’s show needs to be banned, for the good of all. Failing this it should be moved to Dave so that no one watches it. The end. 

From Alexandra


  1. Finally, someone that agrees with me! I find it ridiculous that these pondscum are allowed on television quite frankly. Great post :)

  2. I am the addicted mother - I admit it - but I must confess that I like to catch up with the latest developments in pondscumland when doing the ironing - I save up the episodes and sometimes can fit 3 in back-to-back with the aid of the sky remote whizz-through-adverts-and-let's-all-worship-Graham bits! So wot, I am not addicted to fags, drugs or booze - a little bit of smug thank goodness I don't live like these low-lifes is a lovely way to relieve the boredom of crease removal.

  3. Your review was brutally honest. I felt like you took the words from my mouth. I can't stand shows like these. Hilarious btw. Great post. Looking forward to future comedic posts.

  4. Alexandra

    Did you know your mum reads your blog?

  5. Yes... she loves to comment!

    Why do you ask?!