“Paris Hilton ‘arrested with cocaine’ in Las Vegas.” Really? My god.

This weekend I took it upon myself to catch up on recent world events, current affairs, natural disasters and what not with a little clickety click on the old BBC news website. The headline left me shocked and enthralled. (Notice the sarcasm dripping from this sentence, dripping everywhere, all down the page. Drip drip.) It seems America’s sweetheart is at it again, do her wild partying ways know no bounds? Goodness this one is out of control, I thought to myself, whilst wondering whether to shoot myself in the back or front of head in protest to the fact that the exploits of Miss Hilton are again occupying my busy mind. This would be a sure fire way to put an end to all reports on what Miss Hilton and her band of birdbrained bimbos have been up to this week, I think. Really, Paris Hilton? On BBC News? The news of the actual, real BBC? Shit. 

It never ceases to amaze me that Paris Hilton is still considered a ‘celebrity’. She is not deserving of such status. Do people like Paris? Has she a fanbase? It seems people must be interested in her. Why do I know who she is? I don’t want to. Things like this make me worry for humanity and the soulless, rapacious capitalists we have become. Then I have a biscuit and it usually cheers me up. 

Paris’s claim to fame is that she produced a sex tape, apparently not on purpose. That and her father owning a hotel or something. These are not reasons to document a persons life in the international media. These do not warrant a report on what Paris Hilton orders at Starbucks, or what Miss Hilton is wearing today. Stories about Miss Hilton make me want to set fire to my magazine and rub the ashes into my eyes so that I might never again bear witness to the thoughts and musings of this cretin. You may think this a strong reaction, but it is fully justified. Miss Hilton is a twerp. As if this wasn’t enough justification let me share with you some of the ramblings of the peroxide twiglet herself so that you too might share in my indignation: 

“The only rule is don't be boring and dress cute wherever you go. Life is too short to blend in.” 

Great advice here from Paris, spreading her bountiful wisdom about with some kind of giant butter knife. Clearly she felt the need to inform her public that it is good to wear nice clothes. Sterling advice. Throw away your romper suits everyone! We must dress cute!

“No matter what a woman looks like, if she's confident, she's sexy.” 

Not such good advice from Paris. She is stating, as if fact, that all women are sexy if they have confidence. This is a lie. Ugly women exist. 

“I don't really think, I just walk.” 

Here Paris is demonstrating outstanding self-awareness. Presumably she meant this in jest? Oh, sweet irony. 

Oh and lest we forget, Miss Hilton has her very own catchphrase,“that’s hot.” Which she uses to describe most things. Imagine her two brain cells clanging together as she thought that one up. Must’ve been exhausting. 

Enough about Paris, BBC News. I hereby request more news on those lovable Chilean miners, please. Another song perhaps? 

From Alexandra