Sunday, 29 August 2010

All the Football, All the Time.

In England there exists a game, it is called ‘football’ and it gets people all worked up. I believe it’s been around quite a while and seems a fairly popular game currently. Notice how the word game is in bold, so as to emphasise the fact that it is a game, and not a determinant for life, the universe and everything. Just so you know.  

(Google Images)
Here is a football. 

There are several problems with this game, aside from the fact that many do not believe it to be just a game
Football is very time consuming. I imagine the football fan must be a tired person. This game is happening all the time. I would be wondering how the football fan could keep up with all the football, if it weren’t for the shedload of football orientated television programmes created to aid him in his struggle. There exists a channel entirely dedicated to football news, they call it ‘Sky Sports News’. It has a desk with a man sitting at it, or sometimes a girl (she will always be easy on the eye), who read out the news as if imitating a real news reader. This is not news. This is a game, where someone wins and someone loses and no actual news is ever generated except if a football player of note drops dead on the pitch, which would actually be interesting. Other things which are not news include footballers arguing with other footballers in dressing rooms, whether or not someone threw a shoe at another person’s head, or whether or not Joe Cole deserved to receive a red card for his naughty tackling antics. 

(Google Images)
Goodness, how dramatic. 
There is a BBC sport website which allows the football fan to catch up on the latest football gossip. Gossip and football do not mix. Gossip is an interesting thing, it’s focus is primarily scandal and drama in the world of celebrity, or people you know, which is the best kind of gossip. Football gossip is infinitely less stimulating. The gossip items revolve around a footballer playing for a new team (changing the colour of his t-shirt), or thinking about playing for a new team, (thinking about changing his t-shirt) or trying to get more money to play for said new team (wants more money for a change of t-shirt). This is dull as dishwater. Dishwater is apparently pretty dull.
The ‘football season’ is a myth, designed to keep women happy with the empty promise that at some point the football will cease. It will never cease. There is the Champions League, the FA Cup, the Carling Cup and the Europa League which occur, as they should, during the designated football season (I’m told). However, outside of the football season, when we should be having a break from all the football, all the time, we are subjected to the World Cup. People claim this only happens once every four years, (this is called quadrennial - interesting fact there), however shortly after the end of the World Cup of 2010 England were again playing football against some other country in a World Cup style.  Suspicious. There is also Euro 2012 which I imagine is like a miniature world cup. There is no such thing as the football season. 

The footballer is probably nature’s most empty-headed creature. I believe this is a prerequisite for becoming a successful footballer, only a vacant imbecilic human could devote his life to kicking a ball around a green rectangle in the desperate hope of it travelling into a net (which is quite big, but which the footballer will usually miss). However, these birdbrained gentlemen, upon making a success of their footballing careers, find themselves absolutely stinking rich. Christiano Ronaldo’s salary is £11.3million. I don’t believe such a vacant species should be so well-off, they couldn’t possibly be capable of spending such riches on anything worthwhile. It is not often that you hear of a football player donating any money to a good cause. I doubt they’ve heard of Africa, anyway. It seems grossly unfair that these footballing halfwits should be so wealthy. A Robin Hood type character is what is required. Mr Hood should steal their pennies away and give it to people doing jobs which do have a purpose, such as doctors, nurses, firemen and people of that nature. It’s not like the dimwits would notice. 

(Google Images)
Ronaldo: He smiles because he bathes in champagne.
So that you don’t think I am being biased due to my hatred of the beautiful game I have obtained proof that the average footballer is so stupid he could forget to breathe at any moment: 
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." Terry Venables
"They're the second best team in the world, and there's no higher praise than that." Kevin Keegan
"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet." David Beckham
"I never make predictions, and I never will." Paul Gascoigne
The footballer is an untrustworthy character. During 90 minutes of ball kicking the average footballer will feign life-threatening injury 35-40 times. (This is not a real statistic, I made it up). When the footballer is tapped on the side he will usually grasp his leg and throw himself to the ground, screaming and crying like the little girl he always wished he could be. Yet when a foul is called against the opposition he will leap up, cured as if by Jesus himself. His lack of intelligence lets him down in this area, he is yet to realise that the average broken leg is not fixed within the time it takes for a man in striped attire to take a teeny piece of coloured card from his pocket. 

(Google Images)
Gerrard flying through the air in mock agony.
Football is dangerous. It turns the average middle aged man into a murderous, menacing creature. Within minutes of the commencement of the game he will rise up off his seat and begin swearing and screaming at the innocent telybox, edging closer to it, his eyes brimming with fury and exasperation. At this point it is worth remembering that you must not tell him it is only a game. He will be so full of outrage and indignation that he will probably be unable to stop himself from slicing your face off with the ringpull he has torn from his beer can, (which he needs in order to fully enjoy the tantrum he is having over the referee’s controversial decision) before bludgeoning you to death. If the game is going well and his team is kicking the ball as he would like he will rise up off his seat in the same manner and begin wailing encouraging noises at the telybox, inane phrases such as “whip it in” will start to fill the room, as well as noises similar to those a child makes during it’s first firework display... “ooohhh”... “ahh” (but louder, of course. These are manly noises, made by men.)
Football is a greedy sport. Even if it did stick to the football season this ‘season’ encompasses ten months of the year. It commences in August and finishes in May. That is not a season. That is the entire year with a short two month interlude for the footballer to take his wag to Mauritius. To then allow the interlude to be taken up by World Cup mania (despite the fact that England have not put in a reasonable performance in this tournament since 1966, which was a while ago) is preposterous. What if it gets worse, what if more tournaments start happening, and there is so much football that Sky Sports News cannot cover all the football? What if it begins to take over from real news leaving us with no knowledge of any events in the world other than the exploits of the footballers? What then? How will we cope? What will we do? Society could be in tatters within years. Therefore my request is a perfectly reasonable one. We must no longer be subject to all the football, all the time. Someone must put a stop to it. It’s only a game, after all. 
From Alexandra


  1. Hahaha brilliant post! I'm lucky in that nobody in our house follows it, I think I'd go crazy if they did. I don't see the attraction of watching 22 silly little men kick a ball around a field. And as for their wages, they should be ashamed. And made to give a percentage to charity. Shall we say 99%? I think that is reasonable. I think it's abominable how they get paid these astounding wages yet people who do worthwhile things like SAVING PEOPLE'S LIVES get paid peanuts.

  2. My boyfriend likes to punch me when I tell him it's only a game.. I am so very abused! :(

  3. I really like your posts! I decided to follow. ((:
    My bro is still a huge fan of football (inherit from my dad), we called it soccer here in the US, although we have NO any so called good enough team here. I gotta say that the pay is OVERRATED!!!

    Sanny's Head to Heart

  4. Ah lol so funny! Following now! U also missed out their rare genetic disorder called shag anything that moves!

  5. Hahahahaha so true. I don't know if it's because people need some kind of outlet, and if a creative one isn't available, they take the next best thing which is maybe physical? But people take sports entirely too seriously.

  6. ha, i agree. its just a game. thanks for the comment. youre welcome to follow if youre interested.

  7. I just gave you and award over at

    ps i like football but i get what you mean, it gets crazy at times! andlasoi LOVED the advertising post it is sooo true

    keep posting

  8. I honestly don't understand how so many people can be OBSESSED with football! I live Barcelona so I know what you mean! I don't usually watch football partially because i don't understand what's going on most of the time, but i think it's boring. I only watch important matches such as Barça - Madrid and things like that. When Barça wins people go crazy! At school everybody sings and celebrates it and when they win a cup or something everybody goes to a fountain in city center and they get drunk and burn containers and things like that.
    And Christiano Ronaldo isn't that good. He's just a show off.
    Your blog is very interesting! Im a new follower! (;
    Alícia xx

  9. Thank you for following, commenting and awarding!

    @Jenna Oh no!!! I did forget that part... Damn. I might add it on during my next rage blackout..


  10. Truth.

    Over here in America, all of these fans came out of the woodwork when the World Cup started. It was unreal because I swear, I didn't know that many people cared.

    Oh, there goes that bandwagon...

  11. you have a nice blog!
    please pass by my blog if you have time and follow me

  12. You have made my day! This has to be the funniest, most truthful post ever!
    I agree with you 100%
    A few years ago, I didn't mind football. I wouldn't choose to watch it but if it was on, I didn't mind. Then I worked in a pub.
    Football turns even the most nicest of men into raving arseholes! What gets me, is they want the sound on! WHY?!?!?! Just so you can hear the commentator tell you what you're seeing?? Oh and to get the atmosphere. I mean really, if you want that go to the poxy game!
    And then there's the replays. Why do we need to see the ball go into a goal a gazillion times?! I SAW IT GO IN, IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! Haha.

    This is why I like Rugby. The men are REAL men, not a bunch of over paid pansys. They have an ear hanging off and they carry on. A footballer breaks his nail and needs to come off the pitch.
    Plus when do you hear about a rugby player having an affair/snorting coke/seeing prostitues/having a fight?? Not very often.