All the Football, All the Time.

In England there exists a game, it is called ‘football’ and it gets people all worked up. I believe it’s been around quite a while and seems a fairly popular game currently. Notice how the word game is in bold, so as to emphasise the fact that it is a game, and not a determinant for life, the universe and everything. Just so you know.  

(Google Images)
Here is a football. 

There are several problems with this game, aside from the fact that many do not believe it to be just a game. 

Football is very time consuming. I imagine the football fan must be a tired person. This game is happening all the time. I would be wondering how the football fan could keep up with all the football, if it weren’t for the shedload of football orientated television programmes created to aid him in his struggle. There exists a channel entirely dedicated to football news, they call it ‘Sky Sports News’. It has a desk with a man sitting at it, or sometimes a girl (she will always be easy on the eye), who read out the news as if imitating a real news reader. This is not news. This is a game, where someone wins and someone loses and no actual news is ever generated except if a football player of note drops dead on the pitch, which would actually be interesting. Other things which are not news include footballers arguing with other footballers in dressing rooms, whether or not someone threw a shoe at another person’s head, or whether or not Joe Cole deserved to receive a red card for his naughty tackling antics. 

(Google Images)
Goodness, how dramatic. 

There is a BBC sport website which allows the football fan to catch up on the latest football gossip. Gossip and football do not mix. Gossip is an interesting thing, it’s focus is primarily scandal and drama in the world of celebrity, or people you know, which is the best kind of gossip. Football gossip is infinitely less stimulating. The gossip items revolve around a footballer playing for a new team (changing the colour of his t-shirt), or thinking about playing for a new team, (thinking about changing his t-shirt) or trying to get more money to play for said new team (wants more money for a change of t-shirt). This is dull as dishwater. Dishwater is apparently pretty dull.

The ‘football season’ is a myth, designed to keep women happy with the empty promise that at some point the football will cease. It will never cease. There is the Champions League, the FA Cup, the Carling Cup and the Europa League which occur, as they should, during the designated football season (I’m told). However, outside of the football season, when we should be having a break from all the football, all the time, we are subjected to the World Cup. People claim this only happens once every four years, (this is called quadrennial - interesting fact there), however shortly after the end of the World Cup of 2010 England were again playing football against some other country in a World Cup style.  Suspicious. There is also Euro 2012 which I imagine is like a miniature world cup. There is no such thing as the football season. 

The footballer is probably nature’s most empty-headed creature. I believe this is a prerequisite for becoming a successful footballer, only a vacant imbecilic human could devote his life to kicking a ball around a green rectangle in the desperate hope of it travelling into a net (which is quite big, but which the footballer will usually miss). However, these birdbrained gentlemen, upon making a success of their footballing careers, find themselves absolutely stinking rich. Christiano Ronaldo’s salary is £11.3million. I don’t believe such a vacant species should be so well-off, they couldn’t possibly be capable of spending such riches on anything worthwhile. It is not often that you hear of a football player donating any money to a good cause. I doubt they’ve heard of Africa, anyway. It seems grossly unfair that these footballing halfwits should be so wealthy. A Robin Hood type character is what is required. Mr Hood should steal their pennies away and give it to people doing jobs which do have a purpose, such as doctors, nurses, firemen and people of that nature. It’s not like the dimwits would notice. 

(Google Images)
Ronaldo: He smiles because he bathes in champagne.

So that you don’t think I am being biased due to my hatred of the beautiful game I have obtained proof that the average footballer is so stupid he could forget to breathe at any moment: 

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." Terry Venables

"They're the second best team in the world, and there's no higher praise than that." Kevin Keegan

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet." David Beckham

"I never make predictions, and I never will." Paul Gascoigne

Fantastic.

The footballer is an untrustworthy character. During 90 minutes of ball kicking the average footballer will feign life-threatening injury 35-40 times. (This is not a real statistic, I made it up). When the footballer is tapped on the side he will usually grasp his leg and throw himself to the ground, screaming and crying like the little girl he always wished he could be. Yet when a foul is called against the opposition he will leap up, cured as if by Jesus himself. His lack of intelligence lets him down in this area, he is yet to realise that the average broken leg is not fixed within the time it takes for a man in striped attire to take a teeny piece of coloured card from his pocket. 

(Google Images)
Gerrard flying through the air in mock agony.

Football is dangerous. It turns the average middle aged man into a murderous, menacing creature. Within minutes of the commencement of the game he will rise up off his seat and begin swearing and screaming at the innocent telybox, edging closer to it, his eyes brimming with fury and exasperation. At this point it is worth remembering that you must not tell him it is only a game. He will be so full of outrage and indignation that he will probably be unable to stop himself from slicing your face off with the ringpull he has torn from his beer can, (which he needs in order to fully enjoy the tantrum he is having over the referee’s controversial decision) before bludgeoning you to death. If the game is going well and his team is kicking the ball as he would like he will rise up off his seat in the same manner and begin wailing encouraging noises at the telybox, inane phrases such as “whip it in” will start to fill the room, as well as noises similar to those a child makes during it’s first firework display... “ooohhh”... “ahh” (but louder, of course. These are manly noises, made by men.)

Football is a greedy sport. Even if it did stick to the football season this ‘season’ encompasses ten months of the year. It commences in August and finishes in May. That is not a season. That is the entire year with a short two month interlude for the footballer to take his wag to Mauritius. To then allow the interlude to be taken up by World Cup mania (despite the fact that England have not put in a reasonable performance in this tournament since 1966, which was a while ago) is preposterous. What if it gets worse, what if more tournaments start happening, and there is so much football that Sky Sports News cannot cover all the football? What if it begins to take over from real news leaving us with no knowledge of any events in the world other than the exploits of the footballers? What then? How will we cope? What will we do? Society could be in tatters within years. Therefore my request is a perfectly reasonable one. We must no longer be subject to all the football, all the time. Someone must put a stop to it. It’s only a game, after all. 

From Alexandra