It has come to my attention that the advertising of perfumes...and other smell based items on television is futile. I will now explain why, whilst trying to remain as calm as possible.
Why is it that perfume adverts never say.. this smells like.. (insert smell here)? I don’t think I’ve ever seen one that gave any kind of indication as to the aroma they were trying to persuade me to purchase. It is similar to Levi Strauss attempting to market a pair of jeans by showing me a picture of a rubber duck. Insanity. The advertisement for Dolce & Gabbana's 'Light Blue' featured an almost naked couple locking lips in a dinghy. That was it. The man was wearing white pants trying to look all seductive and desirable. It didn’t work though due to the fact that he was clearly gay, yet canoodling with a lady. I can’t stand the lies. Anyway, even if it was a lie (which it was).. or (theoretically) if it was true and they were actually very much in love.. by this point I had become distracted from the whole issue of the fact that I was supposed to be contemplating my imminent purchase of this perfume. Were they trying to say the perfume will make you smell sexy? Forget your inhibitions? Make out with gay men? I’m unsure. I don’t own a dinghy anyway.
Another bothersome advertising campaign is that of Hugo Boss's "Orange" scent. It’s about time someone informed Mr Boss that whether or not Sienna Miller winks at me or dances around in an enthusiastic, slightly crazed manner I am still not going to purchase his delicious perfume because, despite having viewed the advert more times than I'd like, I have no idea what it smells like. All I know is that he’s paid Miss Miller to dance about looking pleased with herself. Obviously the payment was substantial. Sienna can’t stop smirking. I hate the Beatles too. I think I hate cover versions of Beatles songs more than I hate the actual Beatles, and I hate the Beatles a lot. Anyway, even if I didn't hate the song, and the dancing, and the bits in between, I am still baffled as to the point of this advert. Oh wait it's named after a fruit. Perhaps this is the clue. It must smell of oranges. We might have just stumbled upon the reason for all the secrecy. Hugo has twigged that no one wants to smell like a fruit salad. Or is it named after the colour? Will we ever know????? Quite the conundrum.
I intend to make sure I inform Hugo and Dolce of their foolish errors at some point today, but I am very busy. When smellyvision is invented perfume adverts may return.
If you look closely you might see a bottle of perfume in the corner of this picture of Sienna's face.
Other adverts that should be banned:
Car adverts. If I am looking to purchase a car I will research accordingly. You cannot convince someone who wasn’t going to buy a car to buy a car by showing them a picture of one spinning around in a darkened room/being driven by a scantily clad lady with a french accent.
Go compare. Click here to view. This makes me scream. Out loud. It frightens the dog.
Cash for Gold. Clicky click. No I will not send all my gold to a stranger. Yes I knew my gold was worth money. However, if i was going to sell it I would be unlikely to put it in an envelope and ship it off to you, creepy magpie man. You look like a thief. And your tie is too big. Why do you keep saying cold hard cash? Cash is made of a paper. That’s not hard. You can screw it up in a little ball if you please. Rocks and things made out of lead are hard. Paper is not. It’s not usually that cold either. I’d say it was about room temperature. They must keep all their cash in a fridge.
The one with Iggy Pop that gives little clue as to what they’re actually trying to advertise, other than the fact that Mr Iggy of Pop should really not be doing topless adverts at his age, and that he’s sold out. I imagine they are trying to show us that too. Oh it’s called Swiftcover. Still no idea. I could show you the real advert, but this is better.
Those ludicrous Nintendo DS ones. Click & Cringe. These make me see red. I start scrawling Red Rum on mirrors. They feature celebrities such as Ant & Dec (who, like Iggy Pop are also clearly short on funds) sat around playing the Nintendo together. They look elated, due to the huge amounts of fun being produced by their little nintendo gadget. This is hard to swallow, hence infuriating. We all know that when alone Ant & Dec in fact spend their time hissing “what has become of me” through a mist of tears.. once they sort out which one’s which, that is. Girls Aloud also sometimes put in an appearance on the DS adverts, and some teenagers who look around 17 playing a game definitely intended for 8 year olds where they dress up a little superhero and take it out fighting.. which is weird. They advertise the Wii in the same way. When they’re not telling you that Wii Fit will cause you to magically lose 12 stone they like to show groups of famous folk crowded around a Wii at some kind of mind numbing soiree. They’re not fooling anyone.