Tuesday, 14 September 2010

Bieber Fever


  1. Loud screeching.
  2. Mobbing of strangers with mop-head Bieber style haircuts.
  3. Wailing in annoying fashion. 
  4. Blurred vision due to intense excitement. 
  5. Uncontrollable, intense production of high pitch noises when presented with vision of real life Bieber.
  6. Fainting. 
  7. The watching of youtube videos of Bieber. 
  8. Listening to Bieber songs. N.B. The fever is shown to have taken hold in cases where subjects show signs of genuine enjoyment of Bieber’s music. 
  9. Inability to prevent self from stalking fifteen year old Canadian boy, despite the illegal/weird nature of such actions. 
  10. Making plans to wed said stranger and birth strangers children. 
  11. Sending of marriage proposals, declarations of undying love and pictures of self and Bieber encased in a heart on cards in which victim has scrawled rubbish poem, believing that the Bieber himself will read and respond favourably to creepy advances. 
  12. More screaming.
  13. Obsessive plastering of Bieber’s face on schoolbooks, bedrooms walls, clothing. 
  14. Throwing of knickers at the Bieber.
  15. Owning a Justin Bieber pencil case. 
  16. Eventual heartbreak following crushing realisation that Bieber doesn’t actually love you/know who you are, leading to slow miserable death in Bieber themed bedroom. 
Those at risk:
  1. Female idiots aged 10-14. 
  2. No one else.
  3. Not a single person.
  4. It is currently being argued that this proves the theory that humans grow fully functional ears/brains around the age of fifteen. 
  1. It is suggested that those affected ‘get a grip’. This is to be achieved through a course of counselling in which sufferers are confronted with their bizarre behaviour. It is expected that in time they might begin to ask themselves why they have been stalking an adolescent boy they have never and probably will never meet, carving his name in their arms with blunt penknives etc etc.

    Having completed the course of therapy sessions and learned to confront truth i.e. fact that this is simply a young boy from Canada who sings songs on youtube and not the second coming, it is hoped that Bieber Fever victims will complete the journey back to real world.

    Victims who have been successful in recovery will eventually feel able to listen to ‘Baby’ and agree with therapists that it is, in fact, shit

From Alexandra

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