Tuesday, 12 October 2010

The Only Way is Essex...?

The Only Way is Essex is a new soap pretending to be a documentary which ITV2 have launched for reasons known only to themselves.

I watched it because I am from Essex and wanted to know how closely they would be sticking with the Essex stereotype. Pretty closely, it seems.

I imagined it would be like the lovechild of two equally cringeworthy programmes, What Katie Did Next and perhaps some disgraceful hour about Kerry Katona, that slurring Iceland woman. It proclaims that “people from London wish they was from Essex”. I’ve never heard anyone from London say this.

Despite my low expectations of the programme, within the first ten minutes I was left confused by a mixture of emotions, ultimately rendering me completely speechless and slightly guilty that I hadn’t already switched it off.

First came amused. Every single girl in this programme appears to be modelled on Katie Price. All of them! They are orange. They are incapable of intelligent thought. They appear in Nuts magazine. They think of themselves as glamorous, spending most of their time in candyfloss-pukey-pink salons. At one point a character gets something called a ‘vagazzle’, which should not exist but apparently does.

Then anger took over. Particular highlights include the mentioning of several phrases which people who are not from Essex think that people who are from Essex say. These are:
  1. A reference to something called a ‘Brentwood swoon’, as if it were a widely recognised hairstyle. What is that? Nothing. It doesn’t exist.
  2. Geezer. No one says geezer.
  3. The males in this programme refer to females as ‘birds’, constantly.
  4. Mark wants to go “boozin’”. BOOZIN’?
  5. Males also persistently refer to eachother as “son”, which does not happen. (The girls refer to eachother as “babe”. Unfortunately this is fairly realistic.)
If I had never been to Essex and based all my opinion on the filth and lies this programme promotes I would believe it to be a county inhabited solely by wealthy, good looking yet overly preened 20-25 year olds with vomit-inducing accents who spurt nonsense chat from the moment they wake to the moment they fall into bed with tonights’ stranger. Although I’m sure there are people in Essex who are similar to Candy and co. there too exists a breed of Essex people who do have functioning brain cells and don’t get two or three spray tans before leaving the tack infested mansion in the morning.

Essex is inhabited by children and adults, people of all ages in fact! This is not made clear in the programme. It features only two people not aged 20-25, someone’s mum and someone’s nan. Nan brings round sausage plaits. Brilliant.

Slight bemusement set in later, as two male pseudo Essex boys go on a shopping trip. Mark is 23 years old yet appears to be filthy rich. How is he so rich? He can’t have a job, he is too stupid. He buys a three thousand pound watch and a seven hundred pound jacket, before staring intently at a mirror for around ten minutes. If he was actually that rich he would have left Essex by now, we all know this.

Most of the programme centers around a “Rachel and Ross from friends” style on/off relationship between two equally grotesque characters, Mark and Lauren. The fact that the pair have allegedly been together for nine years is mentioned 20-25 times. Mark then states, as if fact, that they began their sham of a relationship when he was 15. Earlier we were informed that he is now 23. That is not nine years, you plank.

Just some of your average essex girls and boys displaying average essex magpie like tendencies.

The Only Way is Essex is also sponsored by a cold sore cream. Nice.

Is this a “real-life soap” really, ITV? I don’t believe you.

From Alexandra


  1. It sounds like that is somewhat like "The Hills." Thank God that monstrosity is over.

  2. Lol, your write up had me in stiches. Those sausage plaits were a league of ther own!
    Jenna@ http://ukfashiontrends.blogspot.com

  3. HAHA!! Love this.
    It was an awful program but I felt even worse because I couldn't stop watching!!

  4. I'm currently stuck translating an episode of that series... oh god, I want to vomit. If only the term smart bomb meant "bomb that kills everyone except smart people", now there's a genocide I can support!

  5. Hello doll! I`m watching your blog for a while! do you wanna follow each other? kisses